Saturday, March 5, 2011

Circumsizing the Fat from the Old Man

I wish it was as easy as a religious-based torture to deform defenseless babies where they are most vulnerable.  However, I am finding rapid weight loss at age 43 to be impossible.  I am planning to enter the IBJJF New York Open on April 16.  I started with much fat hovering around 243-246 pounds.  I have been on a strict diet for 3 weeks and now hover around 239-241 pounds.  I need to get down to about 218 to make the 221 class with gi.  In my wrestling days of yesteryear, I could drop 10 pounds by just starting to diet and I had much less fat then.  Now, however, the fat sticks to me better than gum under a counter.  My diet consists of a berry walnut greek yogurt protein powder almond milk smoothie in the morning, which can tend to look like pink/orange chunky baby poo, if strawberries are used and the nuts are not blended fully.  Then, meat, greens, almonds, cottage cheese for the rest of the day.  That's it.

I need a tape worm.  The dieters friend.  Fourteen years ago, I was on Koh Lipe, before it had many tourists and had few boats to the mainland.  I was filtering water from an old mini filter and got tape worm.  I knew it was tapeworm for two reasons.  One, you could see it in your #2s.  Secondly, I understood why my dog would scoot across the floor to scratch its anus.  Yes, it itched like a mother ..........  It turns out that tape worms used to be used as a weight loss treatment back in the days of snake oil.  I lost 20 pounds in three weeks on the island (down to 185).  Just for kicks, after I got back on the mainland, I decided to test my parasitic pet, before I killed it with medicinal poison.  I ate a whole pizza one evening.  Stuffed myself to the gills.  The next morning.  Zero weight gain.  My wormy ate it all up.

I am getting desperate with my diet.  Its time to blame it on my age.  I decided to do some Internet research to find some tips on losing weight for the aged.  Here is what Life Mojo said (and my comments):
  • Take walks in the park... (sweet, I like that)
  • Try using stairs... (aahhh, man, but I love riding my stair chair)
  • If you have arthritis that makes some movements painful, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is an excellent way for you to get aerobically fit. (I knew it, BJJ is the cure all)
It turns out that medical research shows that "weight loss in old age may signal dementia."  Good.  That means that I am NOT losing weight AND, thus, I am NOT losing my mind.  Yeah.  This weight loss problem is a good sign.

If need be, I will just enter in the ultra heavy weight "pesadissimo" division and contend with my other fellow walruses.

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