Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Farting, Sweating on Opponents, and Subjects in BJJ That Are Not to be Discussed

Given that I am planning to start competing in BJJ, I thought that my would-be competitors may think twice, if they only knew somethings about my game and other subjects in BJJ that are not to be discussed.

Such as homosexuality....

Sorry, I will not even go there, but if I did, the first image that comes to mind is Wanderlei Silva in this compromising photo:

Wanderlei Silva had the chance to respond to the photo recently in HDNet's The Voice Versus (@1:07):

Some take it as a point of pride, along the same distorted lines as pride in having cauliflower ear.  Others accept it as a novel, always humorous statement of sorts.  Female BJJ practitioners may find it awkward as the uke receiver or the deliverer, but I would not know, as the token female (kicks-your-ass-blue-belt) at Dave Trader JJ never farts...never...never, because girls don't fart.  Honestly, I should not single her out as she has no context in the subjects of this blog.

For me, making an opponent fart is credited as one of my most momentous achievements in BJJ.  Rolling with Black Belt Master Dave Trader, I made a (failed) attempt at a stack pass and, voila, he had a reverberating pontification from down under (which was now pointing up).  Although in the direct line of fire, I found my ability to force any undesired physical adjustment on Dave to be worthy of laughter, salute, pride...and then he swepped me and submitted me.  But, Dave, you can never belittle my shining moment.  The moment, my imposing will forced you to...

Sweating In Your Opponent's Eyes or Mouth
Now, it is time to get serious.  BJJ practitioners have many unique skillsets that are specific to their individual attributes:
  • The egotist (I will never lose (or be put in a situation that I could not win))
  • The bully (I will spar with my overcoming strength and not care about technique, as I will disappear and take a crap during drills)
  • The happy-go-lucky (I love BJJ, thanks for choking me)
  • The staller (wait, that's me...)
For me, my secret weapon is sweating in my opponent's mouth and/or eyes.  Its a technique that most just don't have the physical attributes and abilities (i.e., fatness).  Although I don't know from the receiving side, I can assume from my uke's responses that there is nothing more disgusting or distractive than having beads of sweat fall in your mouth and eyes when your opponent is on  top of you. It may be a kind of a Chinese water torture, but much much worse.  Just think of how many terrorist attacks would have been averted, if they used sweat instead of mere water in waterboarding.

I sweat so much that I have started to keep a sweat rag with me throughout class.  I keep it tucked into my belt like a football referee.  As my days are numbered as a BJJ practitioner, my sweat rag is well-positioned as a new technique for myself as a BJJ referee....  The flag flies and I bark, "illegal toe lock, advantage red, resume from the guard position." But, the sweat rag flag falls on the face of an innocent wife by-stander at mat-side and I am once again, the pariah of all that is disgusting in BJJ.


  1. Wanderlei Silva is looking very good there with his plastic surgery, and he is still a young man...Not yet falling under the dominion of OMJJ or OMMMA. You know Kevin are one surgery away from being a middle weight. Although you will only be able to eat 5 crackers and a glass a water for each meal!

  2. Uhhh... Josh, "5 crackers and a glass a water for each meal," your blog on dieting says no carbs?

  3. BJJ is one of the best bases for Mixed Martial Arts.Its not only increase your confidence it also a great workout.Train with Best BJJ in Connecticut, this can be a pretty hardcore workout by itself.